Have you experienced situations in the workplace where people talk past each other, misunderstandings arise, or conversations get out of hand and drift into an uncomfortable tone? For most people involved, it’s challenging to handle such conversational dynamics. Over time, I’ve found a good way to deal with destructive and personal attacks.
I’ve realized that the more emotional an attack is, the less it can be about me personally, and the more likely it is that my counterpart is dealing with entirely different underlying issues.
Perhaps my rational attitude is due to my personal background, experiences, and conditioning. I know that not everyone comes out unscathed from conversations that have derailed or escalated. That’s why I want to ask my conversation partners, Bernadette Beck, Bei Bei Yu, and Judith Prasser, how they handle problematic communication and at what point communication becomes toxic.
Dovile: Let’s start with seemingly harmless misunderstandings: I’ve often observed colleagues “babbling” – in other words, talking past each other instead of truly communicating. Could it even be a deliberate strategy not to communicate clearly? Bernadette, what experiences have you gathered over your long career?
Bernadette: In transformational processes, I have often observed that there’s a sense of uncertainty within a group, which then affects communication. One person resorts to platitudes to appear strong, while another uses manipulative tactics. When I notice these verbal games, I try to view them in context. Is it because the person is afraid of losing something? Are the changes causing overwhelm? Or are perceived deficits being overcompensated?
Dovile: So, does that mean you see communication breakdowns as symptoms of deeper issues?
Bernadette: Exactly. Certain structures in communication occur very frequently: some employees have difficulty expressing themselves clearly; entire departments can’t communicate with one another; or you encounter self-promoters seeking validation. These are just examples. What’s crucial is whether these structures were already in place before I came in. Depending on whether my entry was the trigger or not, I have to look for the reasons differently.
Dovile: Bei Bei, what situations do clients bring to you as a coach? Do they come to you with communication problems? And what methods and techniques do you apply in such cases?
Bei Bei: Yes, that happens quite often. I like to distinguish between two cases. The first case is when clients have communication problems with specific colleagues. They might describe situations like:
"Somehow, I just can't get along with my colleague Joe. Whenever I make a suggestion on how we could improve things, he verbally attacks me and dismisses my ideas as poor."
In such cases, I ask clients to describe a specific situation where this communication issue occurred. Then, I use Schulz von Thun’s “Four-Sides Model” to analyze the four layers of communication: the factual level, self-revelation, relationship level, and appeal level. This helps generate initial insights, such as, “He doesn’t feel respected by me and therefore reacts with irritation to my suggestions.” (You can find more about the Four Sides Model in our blog article about feedback.)
As Bernadette mentioned, it’s crucial to dive into the deeper levels. In coaching, we take a deeper look at the factors that may have led to this "harsh rejection" and work on identifying potential solutions.
Dovile: And what’s the second case?
Bei Bei: The second case is when clients have trouble asserting their point of view within a group. Here, I apply a different methodology. A helpful guiding principle is: “Start with the end in mind.” If clients aren’t entirely sure what they want to say, I ask them what outcome they want to achieve. Then, we define possible steps to reach that outcome. People who struggle to articulate themselves in a group often aren’t clear on what they stand for.
In both cases, it’s essential to take action: try out the approach in real-life situations and see the results. That is essential to get into the learning process.
Dovile: And what about you? Are you, as a coach, a communication expert who’s immune to misunderstandings? Or do you also experience communication challenges?
Bei Bei: Yes, misunderstandings happen to me, too – both in my private and professional life. Personally, Stephen Covey’s book '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' has been very helpful, particularly the principle: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
We often assume there’s only one reality. But each person lives in their own reality and has a specific perspective on things.
We’re often eager to clarify our own point of view and less attentive to what the other person wants to say. This can result in miscommunication and unresolved disagreements.
However, if we try to understand the other person first, they relax, and a new space for communication emerges. The other person perceives, “Okay, I’ve been understood; now I have the capacity to explore the other’s perspective.” You can almost feel it physically – the atmosphere of the conversation and the participants relax as soon as they feel understood.
It’s not easy. But you can learn it.
Dovile: Judith, you studied literature and have focused a lot on language, perspectives, and dialogues. Can we draw conclusions from literature for our professional lives?
Judith: Absolutely! Reading always enhances our ability to take on other perspectives. Especially, when we recognize our own reality within a text.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of Franz Kafka’s death, so I’d like to use him as an example. In his (never-sent) 'Letter to His Father', he describes how much he suffered as a child under his authoritarian father’s. The paternal behavior that Kafka describes is reflected in today’s discussions about toxic masculinity: uncontrolled anger, a tyrannical personality, violent communication. Kafka's work is far from being “dusty literature” – he still strikes a chord with contemporary issues. Many people encounter toxic communication in their professional lives, often shaped by hierarchical structures, where employees instinctively fear being reprimanded.
Certainly, concepts like 'Nonviolent Communication' help against verbal derailments, angry outbursts, and unfair attacks. But not everyone is trained in such methods. This makes it even more important, as Bei Bei emphasized, to emotionally distance oneself as a recipient – by using tools like the Four-Sides Model, for instance. Still, I find it challenging not to take verbal attacks personally.
Dovile: In my case, I’ve learned through my own experiences to remain calm in such situations. An emotional reaction from the other person always means they’re revealing something about themselves. In an argument, one often discloses personal needs. What’s your strategy, Bernadette, for responding to outbursts of anger?
Bernadette: I’m aware that conflicts have different stages: when someone suddenly reacts very emotionally, they’re already deep into the conflict. They are in the “red zone”. The reasons might lie elsewhere: previous disputes, crises, or problems. Sometimes, uncertainties about hierarchies also play a role – especially depending on cultural context. In some cultures, hierarchies are clearly defined, while in German-speaking regions, they often have to be implicitly negotiated, leading to frustration and misunderstandings.
It’s essential, in the case of emotional outbursts, to recognize that the person is “fighting for emotional survival” and, in that moment, they can no longer empathize with others.
They need time to go through this phase. However, sometimes I’m in the red zone myself. At that point, everyone’s just “transmitting” and no one’s listening. Good moderators can sometimes calm everyone down to a point where they physically relax and can start listening again. If that’s not possible, the conversation should be ended.
There’s also the reverse case, where people become increasingly silent. When even the loud ones go quiet, it’s clear something is wrong. In both cases, it’s crucial to recognize that no information is really being exchanged anymore. It took me years to learn how to recognize these dynamics.
Dovile: So, there isn’t always a one-size-fits-all solution for every situation. Still, I hope we’ve been able to give our readers some food for thought.
More interviews on soft skills are to follow. Be sure to check back and share your thoughts in the LinkedIn comments.
This interview is part of the series "Soft Skills in Professional Life". Learn more about it here.